A good friend is worth pursuing - but why would a good friend be running away?
A large percentage of me likes a large percentage of you.
Accept me for what I am -- completely unacceptable.
According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
Agree with me now. It will save so much time.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All I ask of Life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word, and unlimited power.
All the evidence concerning the universe has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
As soon as I can find a good position, I intend to take a firm stand.
Be kind to teachers--those who don't deserve your respect may at least deserve your pity.
Be realistic and accept the fact that I live in a dream world.
Beware! I'm acting under the influence of human nature.
By trying very hard to improve things, I am often able to make them much worse.
Cheer Up! Things may be getting worse at a slower rate.
Cling to your insecurity! In this world, it's the only thing you can always be sure of.
Cold comfort: some of the worst things I've done have probably been forgotten by everybody, except me.
Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with some of the living.
Correct me if I’m wrong, at your own risk.
Don't ever ask me to choose between you and happiness, because I'd choose you every time.
Don't let yourself suffer needlessly--find a need to suffer.
Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am master of my fate and captain of my soul.
Either this life I'm in is very dream-like, or this dream I'm in is very life-like.
Elsewhere has always been one of my favorite places.
Every successful person has had failures, but repeated failure is no guarantee of success.
Every time I close the door on Reality, it comes in through the window.
Every time I try to take out a new lease on life, the landlord raises the rent.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everything is not enough for me, unless everything inclues you.
Everything most people say makes some sense--that's why I'm so very confused.
For me, every day is a turning-point: that's why my course is so erratic.
Forgive me for allowing myself to be hurt by you so easily.
Forgive me now. Tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.
Handle me with care: I could be very hard to replace.
Have patience: Rome was not destroyed in a day.
Having failed to conquer myself, my best hope now is to arrage an alliance with myself.
Help improve my appearance - I’m much better-looking when I’ve been hugged.
Help! I’m in desperate need of some overwhelming pleasure.
Hold on to me: Someday I may be quite valuable.
How can I hope to capture your heart, if I can't even catch your eye?
How could there possibly be any conflict between my private interests and the public good?
How high you are depends entirely upon what you consider to be the bottom.
How hungry you feel is not always a reliable guide to how much you should eat.
I always know the right thing to say, after the right time to say it has passed.
I am currently going through a difficult transition period called 'Life.'
I am eagerly awaiting my next disappointment.
I am irrevocably committed to being permanantly indecisive.
I am not upset, and will continue to deny how upset I am until I calm down.
I believe the stars can affect human lives, particularly by providing employment for thousands of astrologers.
I believe there is a future somewhere ahead, even though not the slightest evidence of it exists.
I could do great things, if I weren’t so busy doing little things.
I don't care what the world knows about me, but I hope my mother never finds out.
I don't greatly need the outside world, but I do like to know that it's still there.
I don't need a great deal of love, but I do need a steady supply.
I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?
I feel disillusioned--do you have any good new illusions?
I get along very well with everybody, except animals and people.
I had a ticket to a good life, but somehow I could never find the entrance.
I happened to see you passing through my life, so I thought I’d love you.
I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy.
I have no prejudices: all my irrational hatreds are based on solid evidence.
I have nothing definite to apologise for: I'm just sorry about everything in general.
I have so many wonderful qualities, it's easy to overlook my few disgusting habits.
I hope I can get what I want before I stop wanting it.
I hope I can settle my internal conflicts without bloodshed.
I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less.
I know the universe is important, but there are other things on my mind.
I know what's beautiful when I see it, and so often I see it in you.
I like who I am, and am puzzled to find that not everybody shares this opinion.
I live in a world of my own, but visitors are always welcome.
I may not be easy to reach, but I may be worth it.
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
I resent being treated like the sort of person I really am.
I think I hold the world's record for the amount of time wasted by a single person.
I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
I want it clearly understood that I’m totally confused.
I want revenge for all my real and imagined grievances.
I want you, happiness, and chocolate -- but not necessarily in that order.
I want your love for several reasons, and not only to prevent other people from getting it.
I wish all the people who sincerely want to help me could agree with each other.
I, for one, am longing to feel your hot breath on my neck.
I’ve tried everything else, but I keep coming back to sex.
If God had approved of the metric system, he'd have given us ten fingers.
If I didn't have most of my friends, I wouldn't have most of my problems.
If I didn't understand you so well, I wouldn't disagree with you so much.
If I go out of my mind, I'll do it quietly so as not to disturb you.
If I had better tools, I could more effectively demonstrate my total incompetence.
If I had more skill in what I'm attempting, I wouldn't need so much courage.
If life is merely a joke, the question still remains: for whose amusement?
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
If only the people I like all liked each other!
If things are not as bad as they seem, why do they seem so bad?
If you can't keep in sight, at least keep in touch.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you can't say exactly how much you love me, try to make a rough estimate.
If you don’t do it, you’ll never know what would have happened if you had done it.
If you don't let me make you happy, I'll make you suffer.
If you hide your real feelings for long enough, you may eventually forget what they are.
If you postpone a pleasure long enough, it may melt, spoil, die, evaporate, or move away.
If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
If you want to start at the top of your profession, invent your own profession.
I'll give up my bad habits as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
I'm as interested as anybody else in all the things no decent person would be interested in.
I'm in search of myself. Have you seen me anywhere?
I'm looking for the perfect pillow - I think it's somewhere near yours.
I'm not yet desperate enough to do anything about the conditions which are driving me to desperation.
I'm still waiting for some public reacion to my arrival on earth.
I'm trying to live my life--a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
In my own small way, I am helping people, if only by leaving most of them alone.
In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is - and you're what's left.
Incredible as it seems, my life is based on a true story.
Inside every older person there's a younger person wondering what happened.
Instead of past, present, and future, I'd prefer chocolate, vanilla and strawberry.
Intelligence is not of much use, unless you're intelligent enough to know how to use it.
Is it I who am far away, or is it you?
It doesn't matter what sex a person belongs to, except in certain situations where it matters tremendously.
It occured to me lately that nothing has occured to me lately.
It takes large groups to accomplish many great things, but no corporation has ever written a poem.
It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
It's always a long way, when you don't know where you're going.
It's amazing how much research has gone into making some of the worst decisions.
It's good to know that, if I behave strangely enough, society will take responsibility for me.
It's hard letting go of the past when there are no firm hand-holds in the future.
It's human to make mistakes, and some of us are much more human than others.
It's possible that my whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It's sometimes easier to do the impossible than to do the embarassing.
It's very sad that some past events were not recorded. And even sadder that some others were.
I've found the secret to happiness--total disregard of everybody.
Just because I’m happy doesn't mean you couldn't make me happier.
Just when I nearly had the answer, I forgot the question.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Keep smiling! (but not so much that people begin to wonder if you are mentally unbalanced).
Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help.
Knowing how I got into this situation is absolutely no help in getting out of it.
Life is an intolerable burden, which every living thing somehow manages to tolerate.
Life is good. Don't spoil it by trying to understand it.
Life is not necessarily something I would recommend to everybody.
Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules.
Life may have no meaning. Or, even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
Make yourself useful to your oppressors, until you're strong enough to overthrow them.
Many parents perform a valuable function simply by giving their children something to rebel against.
Many people don't realize my importance immediately, and a surprising number never realize it at all.
Many people have taken positions for and against atheism, but as yet God has made no comment.
Many things in this universe need explaining--if only I could find somebody in charge!
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction.
More books have resulted from somebody's need to write than from anybody's need to read.
Most of my problems either have no answer, or else the answer is worse than the problem.
Must I live through all the dull parts of my life? Isn't there a condensed version?
My biggest secret is that, in more ways than anyone suspects, I'm just like everyone else.
My final decision is: Maybe.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
My life is a performance for which I was never given any chance to rehearse.
My life is already complicated enough, without trying to introduce organization into it.
My life so far has been a long series of things I wasn't ready for.
My picture of the world keeps changing before I can get it into focus.
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it's surprising how often they head in your direction.
My true value depends entirely on what you compare me with.
Nature wins every battle in the end, so, whenever there's a choice, I side with nature.
Never fall in love with anybody you can't afford to lose.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.
Never underestimate the size and scope of my problems.
No bond can be stronger than between parent and child--and no hatred greater.
No matter how many times I do my work, it never stays done for long.
Nobody has ever loved me the way I really think everybody should love me.
Not all of our artists are playing a joke on the public--some are genuinely mad.
Not only don't I know what tomorrow will bring, I'm still not exactly sure what yesterday brought.
Now that we've reached agreement, all we need is to get everybody else to agree with us.
Of course I have a purpose--to find a purpose.
Of course I know what reality is--I just can't put it into thoughts.
One way to fill your life is to spend it reading about how other people filled theirs.
Our love is growing, so I don't mind watering it occasionally with tears.
People who can afford the best are not necessarily otherwise worthy of it.
Perhaps the world's only purpose is to give me something to think about.
Please consider the feelings of others--especially of those who would never tell you how they feel.
Please don't ask me what the score is - I’m not even sure what game we're playing.
Please don't believe everything you hear about me, regardless of how true it may be.
Please don't tell me to relax - it's only my tension that's holding me together.
Prove to me, if you can, that, after I die, the world will still exist.
Regardless of the date, I’m glad you were born.
Remember me? I'm the one who never made any impression on you.
Reports of my being alive and well have been grossly exaggerated.
School is bad enough--but at least I'm not letting them teach me anything.
Should I abide by the rules until they're changed, or help speed the change by breaking them?
Slavery and torture were outlawed long ago, but, for some reason, marriage is still legal.
Slowly but surely, I'm getting nowhere.
Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
Somehow, in my busy life, I am finding time to miss you.
Sometimes I make a mental note, but then forget where I put it.
Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain consciousness.
Sometimes reality seems so near, I feel I could almost touch it.
Sometimes the best way to be useful is to get out of somebody's way.
Thank god for making reality, and for giving us means of escaping from it.
Thank you for letting me criticize you so unfairly. It makes me feel so important.
Thank you for not annoying me any more than you do.
Thanks for being.
The best insurance against disappointment is never to depend too much on anyone.
The best thing about my lack of progress is that I can't fall back very far.
The effort of getting up in the morning usually exhausts me for the rest of the day.
The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor.
The greatest obstacle to achieving my goals is that I don't know what my goals are.
The longest distance in the world is always the one between you and me.
The more I learn about myself, the more I become a different self.
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.
The odds are a million to one against my being one in a million.
The older you get, the more important it is not to act your age.
The only thing troubling my superb self-confidence is the nagging possibility that you may be right.
The public is always the majority but somehow never really has the power.
The quality of my life has something to do with the amount of you in it.
The task I've been given seems absurd: to wait here on earth until I no longer exist.
The things I fear may all be imaginary. So, what I fear most is my imagination.
The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
The world is a very strange community, but it's the only one we all belong to.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing about.
There is madness all about--shall we fight it, or join in?
There is no map of the future, because nobody who goes there ever comes back.
There must be more to life than this, or what did I come for?
There's a hungry mailbox down the street - please feed it something for me.
There's nothing on my mind that couldn't be expressed by a long insane outburst of hysterical rage.
There's only one thing more beautiful than a beautiful dream, and that's a beautiful reality.
Think of me as someone who is very often thinking of you.
Thinking about it is easier than doing it--but so far I haven't even thought about it.
This book would have been dedicated to all the teachers who have inspired and encouraged me--if any of them ever had.
This life is mine. Some of it was given to me; the rest, I made myself.
To any truly impartial person, it would be obvious that I am always right.
To be perfectly honest, I sometimes find it very difficult to be perfectly honest.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
To be sure of winning, invent your own game, and never tell any other player the rules.
Today I hate you but try me again tomorrow.
Today will eventually be a million years ago, but it will still be today.
Today's children are required to learn what most people in former times were forbidden to know.
Tomorrow is another day, but I hope it's not another day like this one.
Try to be as good as you can, without arousing jealousy or suspicion.
Trying to prove I could do it at least proved one thing: that I couldn't do it.
Until I hear how you are, I can only remember how you were.
Until recently, I thought I was someone I knew.
Watch out! It's quite possible that some of my best mistakes haven't yet been made.
We can all learn from our failures. What I've learned is how much it hurts to fail.
We couldn't have met in any previous life, because you are one experience I’d surely never forget.
We must have courage, faith, and lunch together sometime soon.
What is this 'real life' I keep hearing about?
What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.
What makes things so difficult is that I've never been at this point in my life before.
What would life be, without all the trouble we cause each other?
When I say nothing, I don't necessarily mean nothing.
When seen from this distance, your problems are somehow much smaller than mine.
Where would I be without my sense of direction?
Wherever I am, you have a friend.
Who will save the world from all the strange people who think only they can save it?
Why don't you write, and give me a chance not to reply?
Why is everybody behaving as if there were no need to panic?
Why should I be sensible, if it prevents me from being happy?
Will all those who feel powerless to influence events please signify by maintaining their usual silence.
Without me, there could be no everybody.
Words are a wonderful form of communication, but they will never replace kisses and punches.
Words ought not to be trusted - you can never be sure if they mean what they say.
Work on the construction of an ideal world has been temporarily halted, due to a shortage of idealists.
Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
Yes, but which self do you want me to be?
You are definitely on my list, but I've forgotton what it's a list of.
You are there, and I am here, so one of us is obviously in the wrong place.
You can play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
You have the ability to arouse various emotions in me: please select carefully.
Your smile is one of the great sights of the world.
You're lucky to have me. Please continue to be lucky.