Calvin: "Make a prediction, Hobbes."
Hobbes: "What for?"
Calvin: "So we can see if you have ESP."
Hobbes: "Ok, I predict you'll find an irresistable attraction to a mud hole."
Calvin: "Ha ha. You stay away from me."
Hobbes: "It's going to come true, I can feel it!"
Calvin: "Hey Hobbes, want to see an antelope?
Hobbes: "An antelope?
Calvin: "Come on!" (goes to an anthill) "See, she's climbing down the ladder to her boyfriend's car."
Calvin: "What do you think is the secret to happiness? Is it money, power or fame? I'd choose money. If you have enough money, you can buy power and fame. That way you'd have it all and be really happy. Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess."
Hobbes (rolls eyes): "I suppose that's one way to define it."
Calvin: "The part I think I'd like best is crushing people who get in my way."
Calvin: "I'm never gonna get married. Are you?"
Hobbes: "Hmm...I suppose if the right person came alone, I might. Somebody with green eyes and a nice laugh, who I could call 'Pootie Pie.'"
Calvin: "'Pootie Pie'??"
Hobbes: "Or 'Bitsy Pookums.'"
Calvin: "I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart."
Hobbes: "'Bitsy Pookums,' I'd say. 'Yes, Snoogy Woogy,' she'd reply..."
Calvin: "Mom wants me to clean my room. This is the last straw! I don't have to put up with this totalitarianism! I'm seceding!"
Hobbes: "Gee, can you secede from your own family?"
Calvin: "Why not?! I never signed up for this group! I wasn't even consulted! The only reason mom and dad are my parents is because I was born to them!"
Hobbes: "A biological conspiracy, huh?"
Hobbes: "You look down in the dumps."
Calvin: "I am. Moe keeps knocking me down at school for no reason. He's mean just for kicks. I sure am glad you're an animal. Animals sometimes make a lot more sense than people do."
Hobbes: "...And we're cuter, too."
Calvin: "I made up a joke. A man's going for a walk, so he gets his dog and says, 'heel.' And the dog looks up at him and says, 'It takes one to know one, buster!' HA HA HA HA HA HA!! .....what's the matter with you? Don't you get it? Ahhh, what do tigers know about sophisticated humor, anyway?"
Hobbes: "How did the dog learn to talk?"
Susie: "Did you see we have a substitute teacher today?"
Calvin: "Oh no! That can only mean our real teacher rocketed back to Saturn to report to her superiors! They're trying to subvert us little kids with subliminal messages in our textbooks, telling us to turn in our parents when the Saturnians attack! Earth will be rendered helpless!"
Susie: "I think one of us has been eating too much paste in art class."
Calvin: "This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists, why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn't exist, what's the meaning of all this?"
Hobbes: "I dunno...isn't this a religious holiday?"
Calvin: "Yeah, but I've actually got the same questions about God."
Hobbes: "Did you make any resolutions for the new year?"
Calvin: "Heck no. I'm fine just the way I am! Why should I change? In fact, I think it's high time the world started changing to suit me! I don't see why I should do all the changing around here! If the new year requires resolutions, I say it's up to everyone else, not me! I don't need to improve! Everyone else does! ...How about you? DId you make any resolutions?"
Hobbes: "Well, I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already."
Calvin: "I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to ignore you and leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky....and if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky."
Hobbes: "What if you can find someone you can talk to while you eat apples on a bright fall morning?"
Calvin: "Well, yeah...I suppose there's no point in getting greedy, is there?"
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." --Calvin
Hobbes: "Want to go outside?"
Calvin: "No, it's too much trouble. First I'd have to get up. Then I'd have to put on a coat. Then I'd have to find my hat and put it on. (sigh) Then we'd run around and I'd get tired, and when we came in I'd have to take all that stuff off. No way."
Hobbes: "So what are you going to do instead?"
Calvin: "I'm just going to sit here and wait for a good TV show to come on."
Hobbes: "I'll tell your mom to turn you toward the light and water you periodically."
Calvin: "Instead of making smart remarks, you could get me the remote control."
Calvin: "Hi Mom! I'm making my own newspaper to report the events of our household."
Mom: "That's nice."
Calvin: "Now I'm looking for a page one lead story. Can I interview you?"
Mom: "Sure."
Calvin: "Ok, what are you cutting up there for dinner?"
Mom: "Fish."
Calvin (writing): "KNIFE WIELDING MOTHER HACKS ICHTHYOID! GRIM MELEE IS EVENING RITUAL! SUBURBAN FAMILY DEVOURS VICTIM!"
Hobbes: "A new decade is coming up."
Calvin: "Yeah, big deal! Where are the flying cars? Where are the moon colonies? Where are the personal robots and the zero-gravity boots, huh? You call this a new decade?! You call this the future?? HA! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities?"
Hobbes: "Frankly, I'm not sure people have the brains to manage the technology they've got."
Calvin: "I mean look at this! We still have weather?! Give me a break!"
Hobbes: "Still making snow art?"
Calvin: "Yep!"
Hobbes: "Yesterday your sculpture melted."
Calvin: "This time I'm taking advantage of my medium's impermanence. This sculpture is about transience. As this figure melts, it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescense of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own mortality!"
Random kid: "Hey stupid! It's too warm to build a snowman! What a dope! Ha ha ha ha ha!"
Hobbes: "A philistine on the sidewalk."
Calvin: "Genius is never understood in its own time."
Dad: "Once upon a time, there was a..."
Calvin: "Hold it. You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see the Three Bears eat the Three Little Pigs, and then the Bears join up with the Big Bad Wolf and eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood! Tell me a story like that, ok?"
Dad: "And how should Hansel and Gretel meet their untimely demise?"
Calvin: "The witch eats them and then the wolf eats the witch."
Susie: "Why didn't you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys? Don't you like sports?"
Calvin: "I dunno. I'd just rather run around. I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want that, I'll join the army and at least get paid."
Calvin: "I don't understand it, Hobbes. The kids teased me with I didn't play baseball. Then they yelled at me when I did play. Then the teacher called me a 'quitter' when I stopped playing. Unless you're a star, you can't please anyone."
Hobbes: "In that case, why not just please yourself?"
Calvin: "Because mom won't let me move to Madagascar."
Calvin: "Hey dad, would you pay me a dollar to eat a bug?"
Dad: "No, you'd have to eat a bucket of bugs before I'd pay you a dollar."
Calvin: "A whole bucket?"
Dad: "Or I'd pay you a dollar to pick up sticks in the backyard."
Calvin (picking up sticks): "All my real skills are undervalued."
Calvin: "What's this music?"
Hobbes: "It's 'The 1812 Overture.'"
Calvin: "I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section."
Hobbes: "Those are cannons."
Calvin: "And they perform this in crowded concert halls? Gee, I thought classical music was boring!"
Calvin: "I just read this great science fiction story. It's about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves!"
Hobbes: "So instead of controlling machines, they control us? Pretty scary idea."
Calvin: "I'll say...HEY! what times is it?? My TV show is on!"
Calvin: "Tomorrow we're going to discuss "current events" in school. Each of us has to find a newspaper article, read it to the class, and explain it."
Hobbes: "Which article did you choose?"
Calvin: "This one."
Hobbes: "'Space alien weds two-headed Elvis clone.'"
Calvin: "Actually, there's not much left to explain."
Calvin: "Hey dad, I have a question."
Dad: "Sure, Calvin, what do you want to know?"
Calvin: "If you plugged up your nose and mouth right before you sneezed, would the sneeze go out your ears, or would your head explode?"
Dad: "I was kind of hoping you had a math problem or something."
Calvin: "...Either way, I'm scared to try it."
Calvin (sledding): "Hobbes, do you think human nature is good or evil?"
Hobbes: "Watch out for those trees!"
Calvin: "I mean, do you think people are basically good, with a few bad tendencies, or basically bad, with a few good tendencies?"
Hobbes: "There's a rock up ahead! Look out!"
Calvin: "Or, as a third possibility, do you think people are just crazy and who knows why they do anything?"
Hobbes: "Not so close to the ledge!"
Calvin: "Well? What do you think? Are people good, bad or crazy?"
HObbes: "AUGHHH! I CAN'T LOOK!"
(sled hits a tree)
Calvin: "You know, it's very rude of you to keep changing the subject after every sentence."
Hobbes: "I choose crazy."
Calvin: "You know how everyone says you should stop and smell the roses? Well, this morning I did. Big deal! They smelled like a bunch of dumb flowers! It was the most mundane experience I've ever had! Who's got time for this nonsense? I'm a busy guy! I've got things to do! The last thing I need is to stand around with my nose in some silly plant!"
Hobbes: "I'm glad you somehow found the time for this edifying conversation."
Calvin: "Yeah, well, I'm going to have to wrap it up. My TV show is about to start."
Calvin: "They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time. But since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place, and just hang around!"
Hobbes: "Being with you, it's just one epiphany after another."
Calvin: "And if the right place is in front of the drugstore, we could read comic books while we wait!"
Calvin: "I try to make television-watching a complete forfeiture of experience. Notice how I keep my jaw slack, so my mouth hangs open. I try not to swallow either, so I drool, and I keep my eyes half-focused, so I don't use any muslces at all. I take a passive entertainment and extend the passivity to my entire being. I wallow in my lack of participation and response. I'm utterly inert."
Hobbes: "I'm going to leave before you start attracting flies."
Calvin: "I can almost feel my neural transmitters shutting down."
Hobbes: "Aren't you supposed to be doing homework now?"
Calvin: "I quit doing homework. Homework is bad for my self-esteem."
Hobbes: "It is?"
Calvin: "Sure! It sends the message that I don't know enough! All that emphasis on right answers makes me feel bad when I get them wrong. So instead of trying to learn, I'm just concentrating on liking myself the way I am."
Hobbes: "Your self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus?"
Calvin: "Please! Let's call it 'informationally impaired.'"
Calvin: "This is my snow sculpture, 'Bourgeois Buffoon.' Can you believe mom rejected my grant application to continue making these?"
Hobbes: "Why do you need a grant?"
Calvin: "I'm on the cutting edge of art! My work deserves public support!
Hobbes: "What if the public doesn't like your work?"
Calvin: "They're not supposed to like it! This is avant-garde stuff! I'm criticizing the lowbrows who can't appreciate great art like this!"
Hobbes: "But you'll take their money."
Calvin: "What do you want me to do, suffer?!"
Teacher: "If there are no questions, we;ll move on to the next chapter."
Calvin: "I have a question."
Teacher: "Certainly, Calvin. What is it?"
Calvin: "What's the point of human existance?"
Teacher: "I meant any questions about the subject at hand."
Calvin: "Oh. Frankly I'd like to have the issue resolved before I expend any more energy on this."
Calvin: "The problem with rock 'n' roll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. Rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but who believes it? The stars are 45-year-old zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks! The 'revolution' is a capitalist industry! Give me a break! Fortunately I've found some protest music for today's youth! This stuff really offends mom and dad!"
Hobbes: "Easy-listening muzak?"
Calvin: "I play it real quiet, too."
Calvin: "People don't realize what a burden it is being a genius like me. It's not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than everyone else's! People just refuse to see that I'm the crux of all history, a boy of destiny!"
Hobbes: "I suppose one could recognize a boy of destiny by his planet-and-star underpants."
Calvin: "Another trenchant comment by a jealous lesser intellect."
Calvin: "Hey dad, look at this commercial. How come you don't drive a cool sports car like that guy?"
Dad: "That car costs $40,000."
Calvin: "And look at the babe he's with. How come mom doesn't dress like that?"
Dad: "Yeah, why don't you dress like that?"
Mom: "Because your adolescent fantasies require an adolescent model with implants....honey."
Calvin: "Maybe you guys need to drink more beer."
Calvin (holding a jar): "Look at this, dad! I've got five dollars in here! I'm rich! I've been saving my change for weeks and weeks, and look how much I've got! Guess what I'm going to do with it!"
Dad: "Open a savings account?"
Calvin: "I'll bet I know why you guys don't get invited to parties."
Dad: "Every time you make a deposit, you can think, 'Oh boy, another two minutes at college.'"
Calvin: "When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follw complex issues and I'm not going to vote. That way I can complain that the government doesn't represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation."
Hobbes: "An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan."
Calvin: "It's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them."
Calvin: "See, the problem with fine art is that it's supposed to express original truths. But who likes originality and truth?! Nobody! Life's hard enough without it! Only an idiot would pay for it! But popular art knows the customer is always right! People want more of what they already know they like, so popular art gives it to 'em!"
Hobbes: "And how are the movie sequels this summer?"
Calvin: "Great! Man, there's nothing I hate more than paying five bucks and having to deal with some new plot."
Calvin: "I've been reading about the beginning of the universe. They call it 'The Big Bang.' Isn't it weird how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin, but they can't come up with a more evocative name for it than 'The Big Bang'?"
Hobbes: "What would you call the creation of the universe?"
Calvin: "'THE HORRENDOUS SPACE KABLOOIE!!'"
Hobbes: "Hmm...that is better."
Calvin: "Almost anything would be."
Hobbes: "We should lobby to change that."
Calvin: "If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I bet they'd live a lot differently."
Hobbes: "How so?"
Calvin: "Well, when you look into infinity, you realize that there are more important things than what people do all day."
Hobbes: "We spent our day looking under rocks in the creek."
Calvin: "I mean other people."
Calvin: "What if we die and it turns out God is a big chicken?? What then?!"
Mom: "Just eat your dinner, ok?"
Calvin: "ETERNAL CONSEQUENCES, THAT'S WHAT!"
Calvin: "We've got to get cable TV, dad."
Dad: "No, we don't."
Calvin: "But people across the country are watching different TV shows than we are! If we don't all watch the same TV, what will keep our culture homogeneous? We can't rely on monolithic networks to provide uniform national blandness anymore!"
Dad: "There's still McDonald's and Wal-Mart."
Calvin: "But they don't come into our homes!"
Calvin: "People complain that the entertainment industry caters to the lowest common denominator of public taste, but I disagree."
Hobbes: "You do?"
Calvin: "Yeah, I think it's a fallacy that taste bottoms out somewhere. If they could find a way to aim even lower, they'd make some real money."
Hobbes: "I'm sure there's a brilliant career ahead of you."
Calvin: "There must be a way to cram more violence into 90 minutes!"
Hobbes: "What's with the umbrella and backpack?"
Calvin: "My motto is 'be prepared.'"
Hobbes: "Prepared for what?"
Calvin: "One never knows. I've got a dart gun, five comic books, some gum, a wrench, a book on bugs, a map of Montana, an eraser, and a rock."
Hobbes: "Gee, everyone should carry a kit like this."
Calvin: "The umbrella doubles as a parachute."
Calvin: "Look at all the stars! The universe just goes out forever and ever!"
Hobbes: "It kind of makes you wonder why man consideres himself such a big screaming deal."
Calvin: "That's why we stay inside with our appliances."
Calvin: "How come grown-ups don't go out to play?"
Dad: "Grown-ups can only justify playing outside by calling it exercise, doing it when they'd rather not, and keeping records to quantify their performance."
Calvin: "That sounds like a job."
Dad: "..Except you don't get paid."
Calvin: "So play is worse than work?"
Dad: "Being a grown-up is tough."
Calvin: "Getting is better than having. When you get something, it's new and exciting. When you have something, you take it for granted and it's boring."
Hobbes: "But everything you get turns into something you have."
Calvin: "That's why you always need to get new things!"
Hobbes: "I feel like I'm in some stockholder's dream."
Calvin: "'Waste and want,' that's my motto!"
Calvin: "What does it mean when someone says to 'give it the old college try'?"
Dad: "It means you join your friends, get some cheap beer, order a pizza, and forget about tomorrow."
Mom: "That's not what it means!"
Dad: "Where did you go to college?"
Calvin: "Never mind."
Calvin: "Art isn't about ideas. It's about style. The most crucial career decision is picking a good 'ism' so everyone knows how to categorize you without understanding the work."
Hobbes: "You do goofy drawings on the sidewalk."
Calvin: "Right. I'm a suburban post-modernist."
Hobbes: "Aren't we all."
Calvin: "Popular culture isn't to blame for selling twisted values. Movies, records, and TV shows reflect the reality of our times. Artists depict hatred and violence because that's what they see."
Hobbes: "Why don't they see things of beauty and value?"
Calvin: "Because boring stuff doesn't sell."
Hobbes: "Such vision and integrity."
Calvin: "There's nothing like a good gunfight to uplift the spirit."
Calvin: "Another thing to remember about popular culture is that today's TV-reared audience is hip and sophisticated. This stuff doesn't affect us. We can separate fact from fiction. We understand satire and irony. We detached and jaded viewers who aren't influenced by what we watch."
Hobbes: "I think I hear advertisers laughing."
Calvin: "Hold on, I need to inflate my basketball shoes."
Calvin: "Almost everywhere you go, you can hear people, radios, and all kinds of engines. When you're actually confronted with the stillness of nature, it's kind of startling."
Hobbes: "Why, you can even hear yourself think."
Calvin: "This is making me nervous. Let's go in."
Calvin: "Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads."
Hobbes (rolls eyes): "I wonder which you are."
Calvin: "I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!"
Dad: "It used to be that if a client wanted something done in a week, it was considered a rush job and he'd be lucky to get it. Now, with modems, faxes and car phones, everybody wants everything instantly! Improved technology just increases expectations. These machines don't make life easier - they make life more harassed."
Calvin (holding a box): "Six minutes to mircowave this?? Who's got that kind of time?!"
Dad: "If we wanted more leisure, we'd invent machines that do things less efficiently."
Calvin: "I'm filling out a reader survey for Chewing magazine. See, they asked how much money I spend on gum each week, so I wrote '$500.' For my age, I put '43' and when they asked what my favorite flavor is, I wrote 'garlic/curry.'"
Hobbes: "This magazine should have some amusing ads soon."
Calvin: "I love messing with data."
Calvin: "Ever notice how people always try to do two things at once? They talk on the phone while they drive. They watch TV while they eat. They listen to music while they work...people never focus on any one thing to enjoy it or do it well."
Hobbes (nearly asleep): "You're breaking my concentration."
Calvin: "We focus on doing nothing at all!"
Hobbes: "I love fall. I like the cool days, the smell of leaves, the low sunlight...and the sky looks even more blue when the trees are yellow and red!"
Calvin: "I dunno...I think Autumn is melancholy. Summer is over and in a week or two, everything will be hunkered down for the long, bleak winter. Nothing lasts. Fall is just the last fling before things get worse."
Hobbes: "If good things lasted forever, how would we appreciate how precious they are?"
Calvin: (pause) "I like to have everything so good, I can take it all for granted."
Hobbes: "I think the brisk air makes apple pie taste better too!"
Calvin: "You know, school wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to go every day....and if you didn't have to learn anything...and if you took away all the teachers and all the other kids. If it was completely different, school would be great."
Hobbes: "A lot of things are like that."
Calvin: "Nobody asks me how things ought to be! I've got tons of ideas!"
Calvin: "In the future, everything will be effortless! Computers will take care of every task. We'll just point to what we want done and click. We'll never need to leave the climate-controlled comfort of our homes! no nuisance, no wasted time, no annoying human interaction..."
Hobbes: "...No life."
Calvin: "Life is too inconvenient."
Hobbes: "You're going to juggle eggs?"
Calvin: "It's a metaphor for life, Hobbes. Each egg represents one of life's concerns and the goal is to give each the appropriate amount of individual attention while simultaneously watching and guiding all the others. Life is about balance and staying quick and alert as everything threatens to spin out of control!" (drops all the eggs)
Hobbes: "And sometimes we make a big mess of things."
Calvin: "But the important thing is persistence."
Calvin: Why isn't my life like this situation comedy? Why don't I have a bunch of friends with nothing to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren't my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don't my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well-being when I have problems?"
Hobbes: "Why don't you know any gorgeous babes?"
Calvin: "I gotta get my life some writers."
Calvin: "The pace of modern life is all wrong. It makes every day an ordeal. Everybody's exhausted, stressed out, and short-tempered! Look at me! Why am I waiting for a bus at this horrible hour?! I't unnatural and unhealthy! We should ease into the day! You konw, read the paper, have some hot cocoa, go for a leisurely walk and get our thoughts together...."
Hobbes: "So now it's mid-afternoon."
Calvin: "Right. Time to kick back for a little siesta and plan dinner."
Calvin: "People keep talking about opening more wilderness for development. We seem to understand the value of oil, timber, minerals and housing, but not the value of unspoiled beauty, wildlife, solitude and spiritual renewal."
Hobbes: "We need to start putting prices on the priceless."
Calvin: "Yeah, if our woods are worth a zillion jillion bagillion, that what Alaska is worth."
Calvin: "Weirdness always starts at home."
Hobbes: "Even when you look for it, you're never prepared for it."
Calvin: "Sometimes at night I worry about things and then I can't fall asleep. In the dark, it's easier to imagine awful possibilities that you'd never be prepared for. And it's hard to feel courageous in loose-fitting, drowsy bear jammies."
Hobbes: "That's why tigers sleep in the buff!"
Calvin: "See my snowman? He's enjoying a snow cone! There's nothing he likes better!"
Hobbes: "And this snowman with the ice cream scoop in his back?"
Calvin: "It's a sordid story."
Hobbes: "Are you making any resolutions for the new year?"
Calvin: "Yeah, I'm resolving to just wing it and see what happens."
Hobbes: "So you're staying the course?"
Calvin: "I stick to my strengths."
Calvin: "What grade did you get?"
Susie: "I got an 'A'."
Calvin: "Really? Boy, I'd hate to be you. I got a 'C'."
Susie: "Why on earth would you rather get a 'C' than an 'A'?"
Calvin: "I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations."
Calvin: "I say it's a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school! Three months is plenty! Look at me. I'm smart! I don't need 11 1/2 more years of school! It's a complete waste of my time!"
Hobbes: "How on earth did you get all the way to the bus stop with both feet through one pant leg?"
Calvin: "I fell down a lot. ...Why, what's your point?"
Hobbes: "Nothing. I was just curious."
Calvin: "What do you think is the best way to get what you want? Is it better to hold fast and never back down, or to compromise?"
Hobbes: "I suppose it's best to hold fast when you can, and compromise when you need to."
Calvin: "That's a lot more mature than I think I care to be."
Calvin: "I'm writing a book about my life. It's called 'Calvin: The Shocking True Story Of The Boy Whose Exploits Panicked a Nation'."
Hobbes: "Interesting title."
Calvin: "Thanks."
Hobbes: "Specifically what exploits are you referring to?"
Calvin: "That's the problem Can you help me think of some I could do?"
Calvin: "Dad says the anticipation of having something is often more fun than actually having it. I think he's crazy. I hate waiting for things. I like to have everything immediately. I can't think of anything I'd rather anticipate than have right away. Can you?"
Hobbes: "Death comes to mind."
Calvin: "I don't know why I bother trying to have a little discussion with you when you're always so morbid."
"I'm sick of everything telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was dead! ...Well, no, I don't. Not really. I wish everyone else was dead." --Calvin
Calvin: "How come you always read me my bedtime story and not mom?"
Dad: "Because reading the bedtime story is the dad's job."
Mom: "And it appears to be the only 'dad's job' around here!"
Calvin: "Left the dishes for mom again, huh?"
Dad: "Tonight's story is called, 'Why Prince Charming Stayed Single'."
Mom: "Prince WHAT?"
"At nighttime, the world always seems so big and scary, and I always seem so small. I wish I could fall asleep, so it would be morning.
"Look at Hobbes. He's asleep. Heh heh...he sure looks funny when he sleeps. Tigers close their eyes so tight. I wonder what he's dreaming about.
"Good ol' Hobbes. What a friend. Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend." --Calvin
Calvin: "Good news, Hobbes! I'm starting a secret club, and you can be in it!"
Hobbes: "Oh, boy!"
Calvin: "It'll be great! We'll think of secret names for ourselves, secret codes for our secret correspondence, a secret handshake... We'll have a secret clubhouse with a secret knock to get in, and we'll do big, secretive things!"
Hobbes: "Why all the secrecy?"
Calvin: "People pay more attention to you when they think you're up to something."
Calvin: "I wish people were more like animals. Animals don't try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals aren't conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems, they comfort you when you're sad, and all they ask in return is a little kindness."
Hobbes: (loudly blows his nose) *Sob* It's so...so true!" ...And speaking of 'a little kindness,' I'd have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that you happen to make one..."
Calvin: "Of course, some animals get on your nerves once in awhile."
Calvin: "Look at all these ants. They're running like mad, working tirelessly all day, never stopping, never resting. And for what? To build a tiny little hill of sand that could be wiped out at any moment! All their work could be for nothing, and yet they keep on building. They never give up!"
Hobbes: "I suppose there's a lesson in that."
Calvin: "Yeah...ants are morons. Let's see what's on TV."
Calvin: "Hi, Hobbes! Whatcha doin'?"
Hobbes: "Nothing."
Calvin: "Nothing at all?"
Hobbes: "Nope."
Calvin: "I'll help."
Hobbes: "Please do."
Calvin: "I never liked ice cream cones much until I discovered a new way to eat them. I bite off the bottom of the cone and such out the ice cream as it gets soft. You wouldn't believe some of the awful noises you can make, and it gets pretty sloppy when the cone gets soggy and both ends start dripping. In my book, food should be nutrition and entertainment."
Hobbes: "That's why we tigers like our food surprised and running."
Calvin: "What if someone calls us 'a pair o' pathetic paripatetics?'?"
Hobbes: "I never heard of anyone taking the trouble to rhyme weird insults."
Calvin: "But shouldn't we have a ready retort?!"
"Once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary, and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that. Which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up..." --Calvin
Calvin: "My watch tells the time, the day, and the date. It doesn't tell what month it is, though. I need a watch that tells the month."
Hobbes: "I suppose they figure if you don't know what month it is, you're not the type who'd wear a watch."
Susie: "I love my school books. Just think! Pretty soon we'll have read all of this! I like to read ahead and see what we're going to learn next. It's so exciting to know stuff. Having a book is like having a good friend with you."
Calvin: "If you flip the pages of my book, an animated T. Rex drives the Batmobile and explodes!"
Susie: "Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having."
Calvin: "Nowadays, ads don't just sell a product. They sell an attitude! Look at this one! Here's a cool guy saying nobody tells him what to do. He does whatever he wants and he buys this product as a reflection of that independence."
Hobbes: "So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection?"
Calvin: "Well, it sounded more defiant when he said it."
Calvin: "If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?"
Hobbes: "..Hmm..."
Calvin: "Anything at all! Whatever you want!"
Hobbes: "A sandwich."
Calvin: "A sandwich?!? What kind of stupid wish is that?! Talk about a failure of imagination! I'd ask for a trillion billion dollars, my own space shuttle, and a private continent!"
Hobbes (later, fixing a sandwich): "I got my wish."
Calvin: "They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines."
Hobbes: "Maybe that's why it's hard to tell if we're in a tragedy or a farce."
Calvin: "We need more special effects and dance numbers."
Calvin: "Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on, long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts! You'd think they'd change the subject after a awhile, but they never do! They just keep griping until you start to wonder, 'What's wrong with this idiot?' But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said!"
Hobbes: "Maybe they're not very self-aware."
Calvin: "Boy, that's another thing that gets on my nerves!"
Calvin: "I couldn't stand being a girl."
Susie: "I can't stand you either way."
Calvin: "When guys grow up, they get to play with sports equipment, cameras, stereos, electric tools...you name it. But girls don't get any toys when they grow up. Women just buy clothes and shoes. How boring. How sad."
Susie: "I guess girls actually mature as they get older."
Calvin: "You'll never get ahead by lying around, you know."
Hobbes: "Who are we racing?"
Calvin: "I wish I had amazing super powers."
Dad: "If you work and study real hard for years and years, you could develop the powers you already have."
Calvin: "Maybe I can find a radioactive meteorite that mutates me into a living liquid."
Dad: "Try to find one that mutates you into someone with a work ethic."
Calvin: "I saw a sign on a restaurant door that said 'No shirt, no shoes, no service.' But it didn't say anything about pants! If I went in wearing shoes and a shirt by no pants, they'd have to serve me!"
Hobbes: "They'd probably serve you with a court summons."
Calvin: "C'mon, let's see if Mom will take us out for dinner!"
Calvin: "I had a great idea, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar."
Hobbes: "I've had ideas like that."
"Some days you get up and you already know that things aren't going to go well. They're the type of days when you should just give in. Put your pajamas back on, make some hot chocolate, and read comic books in bed with the covers up until the world looks more encouraging." --Calvin
"A box of new crayons! Now they're all pointy, lined up in order, bright and perfect! Soon they'll bea bunch of ground-down, rounded, indistinguishable stumps, missing their wrappers and smudged with other colors. .... Sometimes life seems unbearably tragic." --Calvin
Calvin: "This connect-the-dots book really makes me mad! Look at this."
Hobbes: "It's a duck."
Calvin: "I know! Who wants to draw a duck? I sure didn't! They made me! I've been manipultaed! My natural artistic talent has been used against my will to create some corporate identity's crude idea of waterfowl! It's outrageous!"
Hobbes: "Another blow to creative integrity."
Calvin: "From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way."
Calvin: "Everybody makes the wrong kind of New Year's resolution. All they do is promise to stop bad habits and start good habits."
Hobbes: "What's wrong with that?"
Calvin: "It's not enough to change a few little habits! Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul! That's why I'll be spending the remaining days of this year telling people what I hate about them and how they should change."
Hobbes: "Some of us would be happy to reciprocate."
Calvin: "Sorry. My New Year's resolution is not to change a bit."
Calvin: "I've decided to stop caring about things. If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you don't care, nothing matters, so you're never upset. From now on, my rallying cry is, 'So What?!'"
Hobbes: "That's a tough cry to rally around."
Calvin: "So what?!"
Calvin: "I don't want to go to school. I don't want to know anything new. I already know more than I want to! I liked things better when I didn't understand them! The fact is, I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled!"
Hobbes: "Is it a right to remain ignorant?"
Calvin: "I don't know, but I refuse to find out!"
Hobbes: "Why is this snowman looking at a snowball?"
Calvin: "He's contemplating snowman evolution. Obviously, if he evolved from a snowball, it raises tough theological questions for him."
Hobbes: "Like the morality of throwing one's precursors at someone?"
Calvin: "Sure, and what about shoveling one's genetic material off the walk?"
"Today for show and tell, I've brought a tiny marvel of nature: a single snowflake. I think we might all learn a lesson from how this utterly unique and exquisite crystal turns into an ordinaly, boring molecule of water, just like every other one, when you bring it into the classroom. And now, while the analogy sinks in, I'll be leaving you drips and going outside." --Calvin
Calvin: "I should be doing my homework now. But the way I look at it, playing in the snow is a lot more important. Out here I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life."
Hobbes: "Such as?"
Calvin: "Procrastiontion and rationalizing."
"Reality continues to ruin my life." --Calvin
Calvin: "You know, there must be thousands of animal species, and of all of them, only humans wear clothes. Isn't that weird? I wonder why other animals don't wear clothes."
Hobbes: "If our naked pink butts showed, we probably would."
Calvin: "Our butts are just fine!"
Calvin: "It's a funny world, Hobbes."
Hobbes: "True."
Calvin: "But it's not a hilarious world."
Hobbes: "...Unless you like sick humor."
Calvin: "The world is probably funnier to people who don't live here."
Calvin: "Our traffic safety poster needs a catchy slogan that promotes awareness and caution. Any ideas?"
Hobbes: "How about, 'Don't look into car headlights and freeze, because you'll either get run over or shot!'"
Calvin: "I'll check the statistics, but I don't think that happens to many people."
Hobbes: "There's more to this world than just people, you know."
"You know why birds don't write their memoirs? Because birds don't lead epic lives, that's why! Who'd want to read what a bird does? Nobody, that's who!" --Calvin
Calvin: "I read that scientists are trying to make computers that think. Isn't that weird?? If computers can think, what will people be better at than machines?"
Hobbes: "Irrational behavior."
Calvin: "Maybe they'll invent a psychotic computer."
Calvin (in the sandbox): "Here's a little town."
Hobbes: "Here's a steam shovel scooping out a giant hole."
Calvin: "Here's comes the bulldozer, pushing thousands of barrals of toxic nuclear waste into the giant hole. Over the years, these dangerous poisons seep into underground waterways. The cancer rate of the nearby little town triples."
Hobbes: "I'll be under the bed if you need me."
Calvin: "Do you think our destinies are determined by the stars?"
Hobbes: "Nah."
Calvin: "Oh, I do."
Hobbes: "Really? How come?"
Calvin: "Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions."
Calvin: "I hate everybody. I don't see how anyone could ever fall in love. People are jerks."
Hobbes: "Sometimes they are, but look at all the colors on the trees today."
Calvin: "Yeah? So what?"
Hobbes: "I think it's more fun to see something like this with a person than just by yourself."
Calvin: "I guessss so...but I'd still rather see this with a tiger than a person."
Hobbes: "Well, that goes without saying."
"I've got plenty of common sense. I just choose to ignore it." --Calvin
Calvin: "Omigosh! This library book was due two days ago! What will they do? Are they going to interrogate me and beat me up?! Are they going to break my knees?? Will I have to sign some confession??"
Mom: "They'll find you ten cents. Now go return it."
Calvin: "The way some of those librarians look at you, I naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire."
Calvin: "I feel bad that I called Susie names and hurt her feelings. I'm sorry I did it."
Hobbes: "Maybe you should apologize to her."
Calvin: "I keep hoping there's a less obvious solution."
Calvin: "Hey! What happened to the trees here? Who cleared out the woods? There used to be lots of animals in these woods! Now it's a mud pit!"
Hobbes: "This sign says 'Future site of Shady Acres Condominiums.'"
Calvin: "ANIMALS CAN'T AFFORD CONDOS!"
Hobbes: "'Shady Acres'? The only shade I see is from that bulldozer."
Calvin: "I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world."
Hobbes: "I think if you're born, it's too late."
Calvin: "I need help with my homework. What's a pronoun?"
Hobbes: "It's a noun that lost its amateur status."
Calvin: "Maybe I can get a point for originality."
Hobbes: "Do you have an idea for your story yet?"
Calvin: "No, I'm waiting for inspiration. You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood."
Hobbes: "What mood is that?"
Calvin: "Last-minute panic."
Dad: "Sports are good for you. They teach teamwork and cooperation. You learn how to win graciously and accept defeat. It builds character."
Calvin: "Every time I've built character, I've regretted it! I don't want to learn teamwork! I don't want to learn about winning and losing. Heck, I don't even want to compete! What's wrong with just having fun by yourself, huh?!"
Dad: "When you grow up, it's not allowed."
Calvin: "All the more reason I should do it now!"
Calvin: "You're lucky that girls don't have to put up with this nonsense. If girl doesn't want to play sports, that's fine! But if a guy doesn't spent his afternoons chasing some stupid ball, he's called a wimp! You girls have it easy!"
Susie: "On the other hand, boys aren't expected to spend their lives 20 pounds underweight."
Calvin: "Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of Man?"
Hobbes: "I'm not sure Man needs the help."
Calvin: "You just can't talk to animals about these things."
Calvin: "Mom doesn't understand comic books. She doesn't realize that comic books deal with serious issues of the day. Today's superheroes face tough moral dillemas. Comic books aren't just escapist fantasy. They're sophisticated social critiques."
Hobbes: "Is Amazon Girl's super power the ability to squeeze that figure into that suit?"
Calvin: "Nah, they all can do that."
Calvin: "Nothing I do is my fault. My family is disfunctional and my parents won't empower me! Consequently, I'm not self-actualized! My behavior is addictive functioning in a disease process of toxic codependency! I need holistic healing and wellness before I'll accept any responsiblity for my actions!"
Hobbes: "One of us needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water."
Calvin: "I love the culture of victimhood."
Calvin: "MOMMM!!
Mom: "What's the matter?"
Calvin: "How do ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce? Are they actually attracted to each other?
Mom: "IT'S 3 AM! GO TO SLEEP!
Calvin: "Come to think of it, I wonder how people are attracted to each other."
Hobbes: "I bet that's why they close their eyes when they smooch."
Calvin: "When a kid grows up, he has to be something. He can't just stay the way he is. But a tiger grows up and stays a tiger. Why is that?"
Hobbes: "No room for improvement."
Calvin: "Of all the luck, my parents had to be humans."
Hobbes: "Don't take it so hard. Humans provide some very important protein."
Calvin: "I don't want to go to school! I hate school! I'd rather do anything than go to school!"
Dad: "Ok, how about if I go to school and you get a job? You'll like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of your family, with a whiny kid's griping for your reward."
Calvin: "It's nice to know there's so much in life to look forward to."
Calvin: "Mom, can I have some money to buy a Satan-worshiping, suicide-advocating heavy metal album?"
Mom: "Calvin, the fact that these bands haven't killed themselves in ritual self-sacrifice shows that they're just in it for the money like everyone else. It's all for effect. If you want to shock and provoke, be sincere about it."
Calvin: "Mainstream commercial nihilism can't be trusted?!"
Mom: "'Fraid not, kiddo."
Calvin: "Childhood is so disillusioning."
Teacher: "Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?"
Calvin: "No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonucler League of Liberty."
Teacher: "See me after class, Calvin."
Calvin: "I'm not dumb, I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."
Calvin: "I wish my shirt had a logo or a product on it. A good shirt turns the wearer into a walking corporate billboard! It says to the world, 'My indentity is so wrapped up in what I buy that I paid the company to advertise its products!"
Hobbes: "You'd admit that?"
Calvin: "Oh sure. Endorsing products is the American way to express individuality."
Hobbes: "Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework?"
Calvin: "I'm pretty sure the assignment was optional."
Hobbes: "Denial springs eternal."
Calvin: "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about the reality I accept."
Calvin: "Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?"
Hobbes: "I suppose if we couldn't laugh at things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life."
Calvin: ..."I can't tell if that's funny or really scary."
Calvin: "You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place."
Hobbes: "That's why animals are so soft and huggy."
Calvin: "..Yeah..."
Calvin: "The world is a complicated place, Hobbes."
Hobbes: "Whenever it seems that way, I take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner."
(All quotes transcribed from various "Calvin and Hobbes" books by the amazing and wonderful Bill Watterson. No copyright infrigement intended. At least I didn't scan in the cartoons themselves...please don't sue me!)
